Little Miss Blockhead

There's a girl in my building whom I just had to immortalize into drawing. I see her maybe once a week, sometimes less, but each time, I'm shocked at how BIG her head is. Not only is it big, it's also totally block-shaped, thanks to her square jaw and thick, black hair that's cut and blown in the shape of a box.

Stupid happy blockhead

Sometimes, I'll see her strutting down the street alone with a big goofy smile on her face, apparently feeling very happy about herself despite not having anyone around (that always creeps me out) but once our eyes meet and she catches me staring, her expression immediately darkens and she casts a glare at me like she wants me dead!

Angry blockhead

I could be wrong, but her glare also seems to say, "What are you staring at, you jealous of what I got?!" It's downright creepy and I usually divert my eyes right away. Maybe it's all in my head, but I highly doubt it as my colleague has spotted her before and got "the chills" too. What have I ever done to you, Little Miss Blockhead?

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All about locusts

The war between Hong Kongers and mainlanders has been getting intense with the latest ammo fired being a full page newspaper ad that depicts our Northern neighbours as locusts.

Now, there's even a depressing Cantopop song and music video being circulated around that sums up all the reasons to hate mainlanders (ie. their spitting, squatting and shitting in public, not queuing up, coming to HK to have babies, buying up everything we can't afford, being loud, being ugly, the list goes on and on).

I didn't really get the locust reference at first, but the more I read about these creepy crawlers, the more I understand...

You see, locusts are actually large grasshoppers who behave as individuals when there aren't that many of them around. BUT, the moment that a crowd of locusts form, they suddenly lose all sense of identity and kick into herd mentality, banding together in gangs of up to 40 billion (!!) and swarming to destroy everything in sight.

Scary, isn't it? Then, there's the theory of how they managed to fly across the Atlantic Ocean to get to the States way back when. Since there's no way they could have flown the whole way, the theory is that locusts flying at the front of the swarm may have died in the ocean and formed floating rafts of corpses for other members of the swarm to land on. The survivors then cannibalized the corpses to get more energy to keep flying all the way to America. *shudder*

And, you know what, a single migratory locust eats its own body weight in food each day, which is about 60-100x as much as we would eat per day! Talk about over-consumption.

An LV locust -- how appropriate.

So anyway ... back to the mainlanders. Unlike locusts that can be sprayed with pesticides or crushed under our feet, there's really nothing anyone can do about the invasion of mainlanders. And the fact is, they're not only in Hong Kong, they're taking over the world.

This couldn't have been more clear last week when I thought I was going to one of the most remote island paradises in the world. Instead, we were greeted by a resort packed with Chinese tourists -- yep, the kind that travel in big groups, let their kids pee anywhere they like and hoard all the food from the dinner buffets. Sigh.

There was even a mainland couple on our diving trip to Sipadan, whom I wouldn't have minded had Mr. Big 6 been a better scuba buddy. However, he turned out to be a selfish, childish idiot who kept swimming around recklessly to chase and harass all the fish, turtles and sharks, cutting off the other divers and kicking us in the face with his fins. He even told me to take pictures of him doing so, which I obviously ignored while secretly hoping for a live viewing of shark attack (which sadly didn't happen).

Obviously, not all mainlanders are gross, selfish and disgusting, but when you group them together into one gigantic mass of locusts, it gets pretty hard to see any beauty in that.

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Tapping the reef

After six consecutive days of diving in the pristine turquoise waters of the Celebes Sea, you could say that I'm going through a little bit of withdrawal. So much so that I, someone who usually hates playing any kind of computer/iPhone game including Angry Birds, Plants vs. Zombies and the like, have downloaded Tap Reef 2, a mind-numbingly pointless game where 3D fish and turtles swim around in an artificial reef and wait for me to feed, pet and even breed them (hey, it's a form of exercise).

So far, I've got Edwards the red snapper, Dolores the green sea turtle, Walton the jelly fish and Barr the Atlantic cod (pre-named, of course) swimming around in my reef, and for some odd reason I've also got an aztec pyramid in the background of my reef. I'm still waiting to earn enough sand dollars to trade in my common sea creatures for some of the more exotic breeds that I saw in Malaysia like the toothy Titan Triggerfish, you-cant-see-me Painted Frogfish or maybe the cute as a button and doe-eyed Black Blotched Porcupinefish?

The game is actually a little like a tamagotchi from the '90s, prompting you when the fish are hungry and/or lonely, or when they've matured into adults for breeding. The only thing different is that when the fish die (which hopefully won't happen to mine), you can actually resurrect them with some points or cash, but I haven't figured that part out yet.

Meet my fish!

For now, Tap Reef 2, with its eerie background music and somewhat annoying underwater bubble sound effects, is (sadly) the closest thing I have to being back in the deep blue sea swimming among schools of jackfish, barracudas, sharks, bat fish, puffer fish, corals, sea turtles, etc... Oh, by the way, the app is FREE so if anyone out there is interested in or already playing it too, let me know, we can cross breed! ;)

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Cockroach CSI: Death by Coffee Drowning

As mentioned before, I am a total cockroach magnet. At my old job, the cockroaches LOVED my corner cubicle and now, we share our tiny SoHo office space with a very fertile family of miniature roaches, who have been spotted anywhere from my desk to the cubicle walls to the secretary's phone.

Luckily, the mini roaches mostly come out at night when we've all gone home for the day, but sometimes the next morning, we'll find them in the strangest places -- like in our coffee mugs. Yup, one morning, I found two dead roaches in the bottom of my coffee mug when I was rinsing it out, and I'm guessing it went a little like this:

Big Roach tells Little Roach how nice it would be to go skinny dipping in a creamy cup of Hong Kong style coffee.

Little Roach struggles to keep afloat in the coffee, while Big Roach relishes in the fact that there'll soon be one less mouth to feed in the "megaherd" of roaches, meaning more crumbs for him!

Big Roach loses his footing while laughing and slips into the coffee as well, where both of them die a slow and painful death since they are highly caffeinated and do not slip into unconsciousness until about an hour later.

Moral of the story? Roaches should wear slip-resistant footwear when walking on slippery surfaces like coffee mugs. Crocs, take note, you've got a new set of customers (with six feet each)!

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Jacky Cheung: King of Cantopop

I don't have posters of him on my walls, I don't have his name in LED lights, nor do I even really know what he's singing about BUT -- I have to say I'm a huge fan of Jacky Cheung (not to be confused with that silly fool Jackie Chan)!

I guess it all started back when I was just a '90s tween in Canada. Jacky had come to perform at this small theatre stage in Vancouver, and I remember running down the aisle every few minutes to take pictures of him dancing around in an Austin Powers'-esque costume. At the end of the show, I ran down to the stage again, hoping to meet Jacky in person, but all I could find, after hoisting myself halfway onto the stage, was his used white facial towel draped over a speaker on the stage.

Of course, I snatched that towel and brought it home with me, proud that it had the orangey markings of Jacky's make-up on it as well as ONE strand of short black hair. I folded it and kept it in the bookshelf above my bed, thinking it was pretty damn cool (until, one day, I think my Grandma washed it).

Anyway... flash forward to today...

I've just been lucky enough to have seen his 1/2 Century Tour for the second time in Macau, and he is definitely THE reigning 'King of Cantopop'! At the age of 50 (half century, get it?), Jacky can still sing, dance, and act with the gusto of a 20-something year old, all without a gasp or falter during his entire three-hour concert.

As you may know, cantopop concerts are known for lasting an eternity so you'd better be a huge fan of whoever's performing to go to one (or really like waving glow sticks in the dark to the beat of local music). In Jacky's case, every single minute of his concert was a blast!

The show started with a tap dance performance (which I'm not quite sure was real or not), followed by a steady slew of hit songs and accompanying videos that matched the songs. For example, for his song "花花公子" (Playboy) he played a sneaky ladies' man who notices Shu Qi at a party, and then you see scenes of them dating happily around Macau, getting married, and eventually fighting as their relationship crumbled and turned bitter. Lots more happens in the show but don't worry, I won't give it all away.

The show's highlights were:

• Jacky's jazz hands all throughout the show
• The dance rendition of his earlier hit songs using the same retro dance moves 
• Jacky doing the SPLITS (no joke!)

The low point (as mentioned by my bf) was:

• Jacky BURPing into the mic after the sweaty dance rendition (he IS local, after all!)

In any case, I highly recommend going to see the "King of Heavenly Kings" when he finishes off his 1/2 Century Tour in Hong Kong in May 2012 if you haven't already seen him at one of his previous 100 shows (yup, he's been touring for an entire year already)! And don't worry if you don't have a clue what he's singing about, neither do I! :)

Here's a little preview:

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Banana and peanut lady in Central

I wanted to blog about this old lady in Central over a YEAR ago when I first started working in that area, and thankfully, she is still around for me to blog about today. No offense to her at all but she is probably near 100 years old if not older, and I really hope that she has a lot more years to live!

Located on the corner of Gage Street and Lyndhurst Terrace, the Banana and Peanut Lady is a withering old Chinese woman with sunken-in cheeks and a thin black ponytail. She sells bananas and peanuts next to the fruit stand across 7-11 and is usually there for most of the day. I don't know why she's still working as she's so fragile and petite, but my guess is that she's been there all her life and likes it(?) or has to do it to sustain herself (in which case we should all give her a little extra for her bananas and peanuts).

She's usually wearing a traditional two-piece Chinese outfit in all black, and now that the weather's cooler she has an extra coat on. I also noticed that her thumbnails are super long, as opposed to her pinky fingernails. Maybe I'll work up the courage to ask her what she's doing there the next time I pass by... (I know, I'm shy)!

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Cockroach CSI: Death by Tobacco

No matter what time of year it is in Hong Kong, you're likely to see one of the city's most infamous tenants crawling around: the cockroach. In the summer, they are out in full force, scurrying along sidewalks, climbing up the walls, and sometimes (if you're unlucky) flying right into your line of sight.

Now that it's winter though, cockroach sightings are much more rare, but that doesn't mean they're gone. In fact, most of the times I see cockroaches these days is when they're dead. Squished, flattened, stomped on, or worse, have you ever wondered what actually happened right before the cockroach was killed?

Introducing ... Cockroach CSI: an investigation into the lives (and death) of our city's rampant roaches. First up is a cockroach I saw in Wanchai last year, an image that I will never forget as it was such a vivid one.

I was on Jaffe Road right across Joe Bananas when I looked down before crossing the street. And, there, right next to my foot was a dead cockroach on its back, clutching onto a cigarette butt. I kid you not, his six legs were literally wrapped around the cigarette butt!

It's clear how this cockroach died: death by tobacco. After a long night of partying with the call girls in Wanchai, this roach thought of winding down with a still-lit cigarette butt that landed just a few inches from him. After taking one long puff, he choked to death on all the nicotine, smoke and tar that filled his little lungs. So, the lesson here is, hanging out in Wanchai will kill ya!

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Have fingers, will make FIMO

Dance when you still have legs, eat crab whilst you still have teeth ... make FIMO while you still have fingers! Yes, these are the types of thoughts that swirl around in my head at 2am in the morning, especially when my palm continues to throb after today's traumatic experience at work.

You see, after one year on the job, I've learned to be quite careful when it comes to opening press releases in the mail. Since I don't have a letter opener, I usually rip the envelope open with my thumb, take the folder out and flip through carefully to not get cut by the crisp sheets of paper.

Today was no different, and I thought I'd done a pretty good job being all delicate with the papers. That is, until I decided to re-seal the envelope before throwing it into my makeshift recycling bin. As I slid my fingers across the top of the envelope, my palm was sliced open by a protruding staple, which nearly severed my thumb off and left a big, 2-inch bleeding gash.

After staring at it and screaming silently for a few minutes (we work in a quiet office), the pain set in and the not-so-silent whining began (which, as you can tell by this post, has yet to end). In any case, I'm very thankful to still have my thumb attached, and while it's still here, I have decided to reactivate my Etsy page and resurrect my hobby of crafting tiny things out of FIMO.

Billy the Bolobao, Jacky the Jaa Leung and Harry the Har Gow

If you've never heard of FIMO, it's this awesome coloured clay from Germany that you can shape things into and bake in the oven to set permanently. For those who DO know what it is, I realize I'm not eight anymore but hey, didn't anyone tell you the '90s are back? And I'm bringing FIMO back with it! Keep an eye out for new additions to my Etsy store once my thumb is healed, oh and feel free to place an order if you see anything you like! :)

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The funniest Donnie Yen video ever

In honour of my latest sighting of Donnie Yen last Friday in Central (wearing a puffy neon orange jacket and gold rimmed sunglasses), I just had to dig up this video of him on YouTube for anyone who's never seen our beloved "Ip Man" as a b-boy back in the '80s!

I'd also just like to make clear that I am not at all sexually attracted to Donnie Yen (like my cousin and sister are...) The latter of whom has just made it my mission to track down Mr. Yen and serve him to her on a silver platter for her enjoyment... eww!!!!!!! Watch out Donnie -- if an older version of Miss Fong jumps you on the street, it wasn't me!

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Gentlemen, start your cameras...

Despite NOT being a speed freak, I found myself peeling my eyelids apart at 6am this morning to catch the puke-mobile over to Macau for the Grand Prix today, and I think I finally understand what all the fuss is about.

Besides the actual races, drivers, crews, booze and the "it's-so-loud-I-can-feel-my-stomach-jiggling" roar off the tracks, let's face it -- it's all about the hoochie mamas!

Check out this crowd of pervographers surrounding these leggy ladies:

You can clearly see that some photographers are already falling in love...

And, you can practically hear the jolly laughter coming out of this chubster as he sandwiches himself between these two leng-mos:

(Note the built-in thong design of her skirt -- such a considerate design for anyone seeking a skanky look that doesn't compromise on comfort!)

So, although the 58th Macau Grand Prix has wrapped up for this year, I'm sure these men will have plenty of material to stroke their telephoto lenses at until the next race rolls around.

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