Me 1 - Gnats 50

This weekend, I scored my first ever goal for my soccer team (yay!)... OK so it was just a friendly game against a bunch of Hong Kong men in their 50s, but it was still a pretty awesome goal.

How it went down was -- I happened to be in front of the goal when a shot was fired by my teammate Carrie from the right side, which hit the top goal post and came bouncing towards me. Out of reflex (or skill, but highly unlikely), I bounced the ball off my chest and then kicked it over the goalie’s right shoulder straight into the goal (crowd roars while announcer shouts ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!’).

Suhweet, eh!? While the high-5s from my teammates and shocked expressions from the old men were pretty damn satisfying, I knew I was only in the right place at the right time, which obviously counts for something in soccer. At that point, I was so exhausted from running around for 40 minutes straight in 29C weather on a bumpy pitch that I decided to take a break on the sidelines. Little did I know that there was an army of gnats (read: pin-sized blood-sucking mini-mosquitoes) waiting to start their all-you-can-eat Miss Fong buffet.

Within two minutes, all of my limbs were itching like crazy and the creepiest thing was I couldn’t see any bugs at all. I thought it might have been my imagination at first, but the 15-20 red bite marks I found on just one leg alone the next day proved otherwise. Not to mention how insanely itchy all of the bites are!! Gaaah... I think I have about 35-50 bites in total just on my legs, some of which are so close together it looks like I’ve got the chicken pox all over again! Damn you, invisible gnats!

So the lesson here is: bring bug spray to soccer games and... what you can’t see CAN bite you (deep, I know).

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A crotch cabaret at BISOUS

I can't say I've ever seen a burlesque show before, but I definitely had something else in mind than last night's performance(s) at BISOUS. 

Let's first clarify that I wasn't there to see the BISOUS girls at all, but a man called Russell Simmons, aka. the 'godfather of hip hop' and founder of Def Jam, who happened to be in town for Diamonds In The Sky, Hong Kong.

The event started out pretty cool with DJ Bravo spinning old skool hip hop tracks with videos projected onto the big screen, but before long, the curtains were drawn and out came the BISOUS gals.

Don't get me wrong, the girls had great bodies, which is probably good enough for most, but something about the perfectly balanced girl group (1 brunette, 1 blonde, 1 black, 1 asian) just bothered me...

It started with some cheesy lip-synching, followed by an insane amount of crotch-flashing. What made it even more creepy was the overly ecstatic, plastered smiles on the girls' heavily made up faces. And instead of being subtly seductive like I expected from burlesque dancers, the BISOUS gals strutted around the stage like horny peacocks, making shrill 'YEOW!' and 'WOOPEE!' sounds as they kicked their legs up behind their ears, did the cartwheels off one another and jumped up and landed in the splits (with a big THUD sound and collective "OUCH!!" from the audience).

During the totally cliche yet obligatory can-can dance, the girls lifted up and waved their frilly skirts around so much that I got tired of seeing all of them crotches, no matter which direction they kicked their legs out to make it look different each time. 

If you happened to miss out on the show, here are a few scenes from it that will forever be etched into my head (and now yours too, unfortunately):

Hope you enjoyed "the show"!!

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Canadian vs. Hong Kong beggars

During my trip home recently, I was heckled by a few Canadian beggars and I couldn't help but notice the differences between them and the ones here in Hong Kong.

While Hong Kong beggars get loads of pity points for missing limbs, charred skin or self-mutilation tactics, I hardly ever see anyone stopping to give them money, let alone a second glance. 

On the other hand, Canadian beggars seem to be quite good at getting us to notice them and emptying our pockets. Wondering why this was the case, I came up with three things that Hong Kong beggars could learn from the Canadians to up their daily income: 

1) Be friendly

So I was walking by a liquor store in downtown one night, and a beggar standing outside saw me shivering and asked, "Aww, are you cold?!" I didn't dare answer him nor make eye contact since a) he was a stranger and b) it was late at night, but as I quickened my pace to get away from him, he shouted after me, "Oh well, Happy Monday!!" 

Of course, I felt horrible for running away from such a "nice guy" and it's not only him -- it's exactly the same when you come across squeegee boys at a stoplight and tell them that you don't want your freakin' windshields washed (by a dirty bum like you), only to be told, "Alright, no worries, have a nice day!" So even if you don't end up giving them any money right then, you're more likely to do so the next time you encounter a bum thanks to the cumulative guilt trip you've built up. 

2) Be apologetic

While typical beggars hold up selfish signs like "Please Give" or "Help Me I'm Broke," the ones I saw in Canada amused me with their honest and apologetic messages. Case in point -- one beggar held up the following sign:

Genius, isn't it?! By adding the "I am sorry," the person passing by goes from thinking, 'Go get a job, you selfish bum' to 'Oh well, since you're sorry, I guess it's not your fault, here's some change, ya poor thing'.

3) Be honest, kind of, not really

Lastly, I came across another beggar in downtown who was just sitting on his a wad of newspaper outside of a 7-11. Next to him was a suitcase with a cane sticking out of it, and he was busy doing Soduku or crosswords (or whatever it was, he was completely enthralled with it.)

In front of him, a little tent card read, "Facing eviction. If you CHOOSE to give ... thank you. NOT for drugs or alcohol." That was enough to get me to give him a toonie ($2), since it's the least I could do to help keep a fellow Canadian off the streets.

OK, so whether he was telling the truth or not isn't really the point. The point is that his sign worked, so maybe the real lesson here is -- Hong Kong beggars should use signs...and instead of begging for money using the shock factor, they should just write down what they want from us, like:

• "1 Big Mac, Not for pimp"
• "Need bowl of ramen, I am sorry"
• "I want BBQ pork, Have a nice day"

With signs like these, how could anyone (with a heart) say no?

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Meeting Donnie Yen

It's been a while now, but when I heard that Donnie Yen was going to be making a special appearance at IFC for a fashion event, I couldn't help it -- I was excited.

There was no real reason to be, really. The guy is awesome no doubt, but was there any reason for me to have to see him in person? It's not like I wanted to challenge him to a fight, seduce him (yuck!) or even have a conversation with him. I just wanted to ... see him!

My fascination with Donnie Ip Man (like most people) started after seeing the movie (the first one, NOT the crappy sequel), and the funny thing is, we weren't even planning to see it at first. If I recall correctly, tickets to Jim Carrey's Yes Man were sold out, so we just figured it'd be the next best thing (Yes Man, Ip man, what's the diff?). So there we were, nearly three years ago, expecting nothing and getting a whole lot more than we had bargained for.

We emerged from the theatre pumped, excited and hating the Japanese, feeling victorious and Chinese even though we were hardly Chinese ourselves, rooting for Ip Man, Bruce Lee and all the martial artists to come out of China. We ran home to look up our new hero Ip Man in wikipedia, and were shocked to find out that most of the movie (besides the existence of Ip Man himself) was actually fiction...bummer.

In any case, you can't deny Donnie's got skills and I've been a fan ever since. So back to IFC... squishing in between all the socialites and important VIPs, there I was, dawdling around hoping to get a look at Mr. Yen himself, when suddenly, there he was shuffling towards me to get to his very tall wife of his (I say very tall because a) she was in heels, b) she is really tall and c) Donnie is no giant).

Of course, I grabbed my chance to snap a pic with Donnie and I'm not proud to say I was a bumbling starstruck fool while doing so. But whatevs, I got my pic! Teehee ... and yes he does look quite plastic-fantastic in person ;)

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Central Bulging Eye Flute Playing Beggar

Our latest beggar is talented in more ways than one. Located in Central on Queen's Road near exit D1 or D2, you can usually hear him from a block away since he plays traditional Chinese tunes on an old wooden flute.

As if that wasn't difficult enough, he tends to be squatting the whole time, so I have no idea how his blood flows back up to his brain at all. Or maybe it doesn't flow all that well, since one of his eyes is significantly bigger than the other and bulges out to the side.

I've never stopped for long enough to listen to an entire song of his, as I'm usually shuffling by with the lunch-hour or after-work stampede of office workers, but I'm thinking of giving him a little more attention the next time I'm nearby. 

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Tips for secretaries: When to order water

I always thought being a secretary was pretty damn easy. All you have to do is answer the phone, order birthday cakes occasionally and watch YouTube (or YouKu) for the rest of the day.

I guess our secretary's got it extra hard though because she also has to make sure we have enough drinking water in the office, which isn't always the case. In fact, there's already been two incidents when the water's ran out, and wouldn't be delivered for another few days.

Every time this happens, I'm quite annoyed since we already don't have a pantry, fridge or tea lady to clean our mugs, but we should, at the very least, have a steady supply of water, right? Sure, I could go out and buy myself a bottle but that's a) environmental UNfriendly and b) a waste of my hard earned money!

Since I understand that not everyone in this world has a working brain, I've created a series of what I hope are easy to understand pictures to help our dear secretary know when to order water:

If there are two full bottles of water in addition to the one in the machine, there is NO NEED to order water yet.

If there is one full bottle of water and still some water left in the machine, make a mental note that you MAY need to order water soon whilst keeping one eye on the water level in the existing bottle.

If you have two empty bottles and a full bottle in the machine, it's TIME to place an order for water. Yes, it may seem that there's a lot of water left, but it's 35+ freakin' degrees outside and you've got a lot of sweaty, thirsty and parched workers in the office. So place the order NOW already!!

If every water bottle including the one in the machine is empty, you're TOO F@#KING LATE! Once again, you have amazed us with your stupidity and lack of brain cells!!

I hope this is clear and helps all the secretaries out there. For more information, check out my book "7 Habits of Highly Brainless Secretaries" coming out this fall.

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I'm a coral mutant

So, I've spoken to a few other divers about my "ocean revelation" and I seem to be the only one who's become this affected by all the fish and underwater creatures I saw. While everyone raves about how awesome diving is, not too many emerge from the water with a new life mission: to save the ocean...and the world!! (OK, one thing at a time.)

I'm not exactly sure why I'm this moved either, since I was the one going, "What's wrong with the ocean?" just a few weeks ago. It was only when my knees started itching that I realised what might be going on.

When I was diving, I couldn't quite control my buoyancy, which meant that I was either hovering near the surface like a hot-air balloon or dragging my knees along the corals or ocean bottom as a disapproving turtle watched on.

When I came back on land, I found a bunch of small scrapes on my knees and legs that started to itch like mad when I returned to Hong Kong. Not knowing what to do, I self-diagnosed myself with Google and found out I had a coral rash, which meant that bits of coral had actually embedded themselves into my legs, spreading into my bloodstream, my brain, and slowly transforming me into a half-coral-half-woman!!

OK, fine, maybe it's just my imagination but it definitely explains what's going on, doesn't it? (For the record, my legs are back to normal now and look nothing like coral -- PHEW! -- but I've still got coral on the mind.) I've even booked my next diving trip already, yippy! :)

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Turtle Love and How to Save the Ocean

It's true... I have seen the light TURTLE! :D

Make that turtleS to be exact, as there was definitely no shortage of them during my diving adventures in Malaysia. Other than the majestic whale shark, seeing a turtle was on the top of my wishlist for the trip, and that was already fulfilled on the first day of my trip while snorkeling just a metre or two off the shore of my resort (and s/he was the biggest one yet at 1.5m wide)!!

From that point, it could only get better, and boy did it ever. Learning to dive is one of the most amazing things I've ever done, and I can't recommend enough to anyone who hasn't yet tried it. It's not just an incredible feeling to be breathing underwater, being 'neutrally buoyant' or the thrill of going into the deep. For me, it was about discovering a whole new world that I had completely taken for granted before seeing it for myself.

If you ever get a chance to see all the extraordinary wildlife that exists underwater, you'll see that living on land just doesn't cut it anymore. Underwater, I came face-to-face with all sorts of creatures that I never even knew existed, like all the different coloured nudibranch, boxfish, bumphead parrotfish, wonder octopus (rarely seen, but never forgotten), and the list goes on and on. Think about it - is there anywhere on land where you can come thisclose to wild animals (without getting eaten up for lunch)? OK, maybe at the cockroach or butterfly farm, but that's just gross :p.

A brilliant nudibranch!

Cute lil' boxfish

After swimming with the upside down razorfish, having staring competitions with the disapproving green turtles, and playing hide-and-seek with the oddly cute polka-dot boxfish, I'll never call a fish boring or stupid again (and I'll be thinking twice before I order fish!) And while it was extremely fun to be in their world, it also broke my heart to see how innocent they were and how hugely affected they are by the way we humans live. Not only was there plastic garbage littered around their beautiful coral reefs, but I also learned that sea gypsies were using dynamite to kill everything in sight and sell the corpses to evil fishermen.

Funny how a few weeks ago, I was telling people how I just didn't get why ocean recovery was important; now, I can't stop talking about how we need to do something about it. If you are also wondering why, here's the reason in a nutshell:

On the surface, the ocean may look calm and serene. But, beneath the surface is a different story. All around the world, our oceans are in crisis. Overfishing and fish slaughter continues to put endangered species at risk and pollution from land-based sources is turning the oceans into a dumping ground. 

What this means is that in just a few years, there will be no more (clean) oceans for us to dive in, no more wildlife to admire, not much food left for humans and even worse global warming since we won't have the oceans anymore to regulate the planet's temperature and weather.

I know it's a bleak picture that no one wants to talk about, but I just wanted to share a few simple things we, here in Hong Kong, can do right away to help slow down the demise of the oceans:

• Stop buying plastic water bottles (Watsons, Bonaqua, etc.) and install a filter on your tap instead
• Don't go on cruise ships (they dump huge amounts of waste and sewage into the oceans, not to mention all the fat people and tacky shows on board)
• Use less aluminum foil, plastic wrap and switch to re-useable tupperware
• Even better, bring your own re-useable container if you're buying any kind of takeaway
• Take shorter showers
• Please, please STOP eating shark fin, even if you didn't order it (not only is it cruel, it's toxic too) 

Of course, there's a lot more that can be done and I'm still trying to come up with something more substantial, so if anyone out there is reading this and has any ideas, just shout!

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Scuba-doobi-doo

The first time I tried diving, I nearly choked. Okay, so I was only in a shallow swimming pool and it was from the sight of a dead fruit fly, but to be fair, it was magnified at least 10x underwater, as was the rest of my body (and to be honest, I don't know what was scarier).

Since then, I never really thought of taking it up again, but for whatever reason, I'm booked to do my PADI OW course this weekend in a remote island called Pom Pom in Sabah, Malaysia. Forget fruit flies, bring on the giant turtles, poisonous lionfish and swarms of steel-eyed barracudas and (if I'm lucky) the almighty whale shark! :O 

In preparation of going into the deep, we checked out some YouTube clips of what people usually saw diving around Pom Pom and what can I say, it truly is "another world" (THEIRS, to be exact, and HORRIFYING, might I add). It's like you're in a tropical aquarium, only you're that weird plastic guy in a space suit without a face, the oddity in the sea that totally doesn't belong but is there anyway to gawk, stare, touch and feel (or be eaten, if you're really unlucky). 

In one of the diving manuals provided by a resort, they stated that anyone caught taunting, teasing or riding a turtle would have to sit out on the next dive. I chuckled when I saw this but it's quite serious since doing so could potentially kill a turtle (they get scared, can't breathe and then drown underwater), so no turtle rides for me.

I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm just hoping to see more than what I saw last time in Moalboal, the Phillippines (another famed dive spot), where there was little wildlife to be found other than the micro-organisms breeding on the used diapers, medicine bottles, random scraps of garbage drifting around.

Deep sea creatures, here I come!

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A Giant Foot Massage

If you work in Central, you've probably come across the Giant Foot Man at some point. A life-sized foot mascot, he can usually be seen at the corner of Lyndhurst Terrace and Gage Street outside of Pizza Express handing out flyers for the foot massage place called 'Refresh', which is located just down the street.

You can't deny it's a great marketing tactic, and if being encased in a giant foot costume in 30+ degrees and 95% humidity wasn't torturous and/or humiliating enough, their latest gimmick is a smaller version of a foot, this time to be worn on the person's head only with a circular hole cutout for the face, so the poor person can't even hide their identity! 

Anyway as I've always been a big fan of the Giant Foot Man (or whoever's the poor person stuck inside), I decided to give it a try last Friday to see if it was any good. The place was pretty clean with a good selection of Eng/Chi magazines (+) and a never-ending soundtrack of wild bird shrieks (-), but when it came to the massage, it was pretty damn bad.

I got Lilian, a stone-faced, hefty Chinese woman in her 50s with thick fish lips, ruler-cut bangs and a constant deadpan expression on her face. During the first 10 mins of the massage which was on the neck and shoulders, she pinched, poked and tugged at my skin without any rhythm at all, then plucked at the tendons in my neck as if she had mistaken it for some kind of stringed instrument (a banjo, I think). 

When it came to the foot massage, she was rough as hell, claiming that I had a bad stomach, eyeballs, earlobes, whatever, which justified the intense pressure that she was delivering the massage with. Despite my 'Yeowws!!!' she continued to press harder, so I tried my best to focus on reading my magazine instead. The creepy thing was, whenever I glanced up from my magazine at her, I found her staring back at me with glassy eyes, and in the dim lighting of the room, she looked extremely zombie like…

Traditional thinking is that the more painful the massage, the more benefits you're supposed to get, but the next day, all I got were a bunch of small, finger-sized bruises all over my shins. Let's just say, I won't be going back!

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