Take my Vitasoy, dammit!

When it's cold in Hong Kong like it's been lately (ugh, when will it stop?), one of the simple comforts you can get is a warm bottle of Vitasoy at 7-11.

That's exactly what I did one morning several months ago, after which I stuffed the empty glass bottle into my gym bag and sort of left it there for a while (read: 1 or 2 months).

At the time, I flew a lot, so I didn't have time to go return the bottle to 7-11 for recycling until we moved offices, which was when I was forced to deal with all the crap that had accumulated around me.

Little did I know the wrath I would encounter.

Running into the 7-11 that I originally bought the bottle from, I pulled it out of the side pocket of my gym bag and shoved it in the face of the woman working there. She happened to be crouched on the floor sorting out stacks of magazines at the time, and when she saw my Vitasoy bottle her face immediately blackened.

"Wahhh... it's all moldy!!" she cried out in disgust, giving me the ugliest stink-eye I've ever seen in Hong Kong.

"I'm here to give it back to you for RECYCLING..." I told her. "Do you want it or not?"

She continued to give me the stink-eye, shifting her gaze to the bottle and back to me. "Why didn't you wash it?? It's so moldy!!"

"Ugh!" I grunted, which was the short form for what I really wanted to say: "Gimme a break woman. It's 8am and I don't have the time or energy to argue with you why you don't want to take the bottle I'm bringing back to you for RECYCLING, okay??"

Having "said" that, I marched over to the cash counter and slammed the bottle down before storming out of there.

To be fair, I could have and probably should have rinsed it out, but I didn't, and I had no idea I'd be judged for my (slightly) moldy bottle. So for future reference, it's probably best to return it on the same day or right after drinking it, or, keep it at home as a flower vase (which I have a few of already).

Otherwise, let this be a lesson from the 7-11 lady: Rinse out your damn Vitasoys!

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Josh do it!

My tribute to Joshua Wong, the 17-year-old political activist in Hong Kong who may scrawny and nerdy-looking, but an inspiration to so many (including me). Read more about him here.

#OccupyCentral #supportHK To everyone out there who might be hearing otherwise, the protests are very calm and peaceful, everyone is just sitting around, being supportive, recycling garbage, helping one another out, whether by spraying mist to help cool down, passing out free bread, water, masks, towels, etc. chanting, singing, studying, etc.  #ILoveHongKong

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The pointy haired man exists!

So you may have already heard about (or seen) this impossibly pointy haired man shaping his hairstyle in the MTR, and the way he did so with the exaggerated movements seemed so ridiculous that I was pretty sure he wasn't real (ie. that it was a prank of some sort).

But lo and behold, while I was in the 24-hour Wellcome's cookie aisle last night, I saw Mr. Pointy Hair himself next to me checking out the cracker options.

I couldn't help but get excited at the sight of him and the pyramid of hair that sat on top of his head. Stiff and full of gel or hairspray, or both.

He seemed to notice the stares (as he kept looking at me), probably because I kept glancing at him too. And something told me that he must know that he's become somewhat of an internet sensation, because he seemed to welcome the attention as he walked through the aisles.

For those who have yet to view him in action, here it is:

Post by Chris Tsui.

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Hong Kong people can be nice

A lot of people have the impression that Hong Kong people are unfriendly, rude or impolite. And it's understandable, given how many there are that:

• don't open doors for others
• don't yield or give way - EVER
• don't make eye contact or conversation with strangers
• speak in a rough manner or just loudly
• poke you in the eye with umbrellas
• don't help you if you fall down
• (..the list goes on and on)

BUT... I have to say that nice Hong Kong people DO exist, and here's proof:

Just yesterday, when I was at my favourite fruit stall in Causeway Bay to buy some longan fruit (only HK$12 for two pounds) the guy threw in a free mandarin orange for me, for no reason at all, with a big smile on his face.

Then, at night, when it started to pour down, I was walking home in front of a HK lady with an umbrella, and while I was at a stoplight waiting to cross the street, she offered to share her umbrella with me until I reached cover. After she reached her building and went inside, she came back out to ask me if I wanted to borrow her umbrella -- me, a total stranger!

And today, when I was crossing the road in Sheung Wan, I was looking the wrong way when a HK lady reached out and stopped me from stepping right in front of a moving tram, saying "Watch out, miss!"

So, has HK always been this nice or has something changed? Has anyone else had similar experiences (and I'm not talking about people you've known for a while, but total strangers)? Let me know!

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Rant: Psycho lady at 'The Peacock' show in Hong Kong

It's been a while since I came across something worth blogging about, but we can all thank the psycho lady who was in the line to buy tickets on Sunday for The Peacock, a dance performance by Chinese dancer and choreographer Yang Liping.

The show was held over Easter weekend at the Hong Kong Cultural Centre and completely sold out, but a limited number of tickets were being released every morning of each show (10am). I arrived at 9:05am on Sunday and there were already 25+ people ahead of me(!).

Anyway, the line was pretty civil until around 9:30am when I heard a woman shrieking, "Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up!!" in a Mandarin accent. In the next few minutes I also heard her shout a few English words like, "No respect, si-tu-pid, Im-a tee-cha!!" and even "Faak-u!!" 

Turns out it was a middle-aged Chinese woman sitting on the floor in the queue, about the 10th person in line, and she was verbally assaulting an elderly Hong Kong Chinese granny who was a few people in front of her. 

She was saying horrible things like, "You greedy bitch, why are you taking so many pamphlets, why don't you take 100?!!" and "You're such an old bitch, that's why your sons and daughters and grandsons don't even come to see the show with you, and that's why you're in this line alone!!"

Eventually the old granny left the queue to get some space, and the HK Cultural Centre staff went to apologise to her on the lady's behalf.

After that, things escalated as the woman started picking on other people, shouting things like, "I didn't see you in line at 7am, don't cut in line you asshole, I was here at 7am, not you! That stool was green before and now it's pink, I remember clearly! What are you, a magician?!!" and on and on it went.

One woman challenged her back and said she was just in line to buy one ticket for her mom, and the psycho lady screamed back, "Your mom is DEAD, if you manage to get a ticket your mom is DEAD, in fact, she's already DEAD!!" and that made things even worse (it's pretty much universal that when you mess with someone's mom, you've crossed the line).

Someone eventually challenged her to call the cops, and that's exactly what the psycho lady did, reporting to the police that there were people cutting the queue and she wanted them arrested. When the cops came 15 minutes later, the psycho lady stepped out of the queue to point out the queue-cutters, but it became quite obvious to them who was the real problem.

At first, the police officers were polite with the psycho lady, until they asked for her HKID and she realised that she was being targeted, not the others. She proceeded to scream at the cop, "You're never going to get a promotion, you useless cop!! Screw you, screw you, hope your entire family dies!!!" 

At that point, the cops finally realised they needed to get her out of the box office area, as she was making everyone uncomfortable, so the guy cop yelled in her face, "I TOLD YOU TO GO OVER THERE!!" to which she just screamed back in a sobbing voice, "NO, NO, NO!!!" over and over.

So, there she was, screaming her crazy head off, surrounded by HK Cultural Centre "security" staff and two police officers, and NO ONE is laying a finger on her. The cop tells the security staff to grab her and pull her to the side, but they don't dare, and neither does the cop. Eventually, they gang up on her and sort of block her from the box office like a human wall. 

When the box office opens at 10am, she rushes to the front of the line and attempts to buy tickets, and people in the line start shouting, "Line up, you bitch!" and "Eat shit, bitch!!" She doesn't respond and is again blocked off by the security people.

She screams and curses the whole time while the line moves, and when she sees the woman who was behind her in the queue get up to the box office, she freaks out and shouts, "I WAS BEFORE HER, I WAS BEFORE HER!!!! NO NO NO, IT'S MY TURN NOT HERS!!" So the frightened lady scurries back in line, and get this -- the cops and security actually let the psycho lady through to BUY TICKETS to the show!

She gives the lady behind her a thumbs up and then orders her tickets, and when she is told that the HK$480 tickets are all sold out, she turns around and says "FUK YOU, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY LEFT AT 480 NOW, FUK YOU!!" while giving the middle finger to the security guards. 

Finally, she gets her tickets and leaves the box office counter, followed by her entourage of security personnel and police officers, and she goes towards the end of the queue, shouting, "I'm going to talk to BBC, CCTV, Mingpao, I want a lawyer! I want a doctor!! I'm going to tell everybody!!" And then, she GETS BACK IN LINE for a second round!! There, it all starts again as she starts screaming intermittently at anything and anyone, and the police officers have left the building.

Does anyone see a problem with this!? To be honest, I believe that this woman has a serious mental illness, so she shouldn't be held responsible for her horrible behaviour, but she does need to be controlled (read: thrown out of the building and not allowed to buy tickets to the show!) Given her level of psychosis, what if she made the same fuss at the actual performance? 

The security personnel even said that she was there the day before, doing exactly the same thing, and no doubt she was there again on Monday morning to disturb the peace while getting another pair of tickets to the show again.

And what's with the no-touching policy when you're a security personnel? What's your purpose if you aren't maintaining the peace or protecting the general public from potential dangers (ie. her)?! 

In the US, she'd have been given a warning and then physically thrown out if she didn't behave. In Canada, well, we would have asked nicely and probably escorted her out of the building while apolgising profusely. But Hong Kong? You've got to be kidding me!

--

P.S. For those who are interested, Yang Liping is an amazing Chinese dancer known for the peacock dance. I've never seen anything like it, here she is doing the Moon dance:

P.P.S. I did get some video of the psycho lady, but after hours of failed editing, it's really not worth posting. If anyone has a good rec on an Android video editing app, please share!

P.P.P.S. Okay so I did eventually edit the video but it's all sorts of messed up (can't rotate video, for instance) but if you're interested, view it here!

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Put a little fook into it

In preparation of the Handmade HK Xmas Bazaar, I ran into my neighborhood stationery store to see if they had any more goodies for me to craft something out of. It's always fun to go in there because the store is run by an older husband and wife (?) team who are quite possibly insane.

That sounds a bit harsh, I know, but you'd think so too if you met them. Simply walking in will elicit a maniacal laugh from the old man (not to mention any requests, ie. "Pens?! Ha ha ha ha ha!!") and the woman isn't much better with her bulging eyes, chatter mouth and snarky comments (ie. to a small child: "Get it yourself, you're a big boy!")

While paying, she asked me what I was making with all that stuff "anyway" and I mentioned this arts and crafts market to her.

"You know, we all make things by hand and go sell it at a community centre," I explained.

She looked confused. "Handmade?"

"Yea, you know, made by hand!"

She still wasn't convinced, so I decided to show her one of my products -- the felt Christmas tree.

"Here it is!" I said, proudly, as I flashed her the picture on my iPhone. Squinting down at it, her expression, which seemed to say "chieehhh" in Cantonese (aka. meh) didn't budge, not even after I swiped to show her a few more products.

After a long pause, she finally said, "I know! What you need is a little fook!"

She got up and scuttled to the back of the store, yelling, "Come here!"

I followed, and she pointed at these tiny squares of lai see envelopes in red and yellow with the word '福' (read: fortune) emblazoned on it.

"Fook? Isn't that for Chinese New Year? My things are for Christmas!"

She looked at me incredulously and said, "Don't be silly! You can never have enough fook. Trust me, if you attach one of these to each of your products, they'll sell, big time!"

"Umm, I'll think about it..." I muttered as I walked out of her store, but as I turned the corner, I could hear her yelling out, "You can't make a big fortune without spending a small fortune!!!"

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No more Gangnam Style

Feeling particular uninspired lately and even less so after watching the Hong Kong version of Gangnam Style. I get it -- people all over the world love PSY and his horse dancing but do we really need to watch his video over and over (each time with different people doing the same exact moves)!?



According to Jaynestars.com, Cantopop stars Leo Ku and Ekin Cheng decided to make this video simply because they thought that their buddy Wilson Chin resembled PSY. So, does that mean that anyone who even slightly resembles PSY (and there's a lot of people out there who do) should make a Gangnam Style video of their own? ... NO!!

Not only is the Hong Kong Gangnam Style video utterly unoriginal (everything about the video is the same as PSY's; only the backgrounds have changed), the worst part is, the stupid girl in the front doesn't even know how to do the horse dance (um, hello, you need to JUMP and lift your feet off the ground)!! Ugh.

Having said that, props to Fat Dragon in Vancouver who made a REAL Gangnam Style spoof called "我怕國民 style" (lit. I'm afraid of China style), which sounds like "Oppa Gwokman Style" and features original lyrics in Canto protesting against the national education "brainwashing" program:




Talk about using what's trending in popular culture to draw attention to an important issue! I know it's not the prettiest thing to watch nor is it the best production out there, but it definitely gets top marks for originality in my books!

C'mon Hong Kong, you can do better than this. When are we going to see some real "港男" style?

(Translation: 港男 'gong nam' comes from 香港 (Hong Kong) 男子 (guy) -- get it?)

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Unsightly sightings

I dunno why but the past week has been full of unsightly sightings, like:

1. Last Friday, the showers at the gym stopped working, and some chick was walking around with a towel covering just the front of her crotch (but not the back). As a result, when she walked away, I couldn't help but see her bare ass and her brown ass crack - UGH!

2. If that wasn't enough, when I later bent down to untie my shoes, the lady next to me JUST happened to pull down her pants, resulting in my face being 2 inches away from her bare and clammy ass! :O

3. A few days later, an older white lady was blow-drying her hair facing the mirror completely nude, and her body was so scrawny I could see her ribs, not to mention her ass, which was so flat it had multiple folds under the buttocks (::shudder::)

4. Then, there was a chubby woman in the change room who decided to apply body lotion while completely nude, with one leg up on the bench, giving everyone who passed by a clear shot into her you-know-what.

5. Last but not least, at a recent lingerie show, one of the models had on a bodysuit so tight, the crotch of it rode up and squeezed one side of her labia out!! :O Ugh!!

What is UP with that?! I'm so glad this week is almost over... hopefully next week will be much less visual. :P

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Tin Hau Harmonica Elbow Beggar

I haven't been seeing many beggars around lately, except for the LKF Plastic Bag Lady and possibly the Wanchai Homeless Beggar whom I think I spotted in Lan Kwai Fong the other night.

However, I did see a rather upbeat and jolly beggar a few weeks ago in Tin Hau just outside the MTR station on King's Road. He had picked a good location, since sizable crowds would gather while waiting to cross the busy intersection. 

At first glance, the Tin Hau Harmonica Elbow Beggar (you'll understand the name soon) looked like a normal person who was just playing the harmonica out of his elbows (a way to get attention perhaps) but upon closer inspection, I realised that he didn't have any forearms -- just little stumps after the elbow joint.

While playing his tunes, he was also side-stepping to the music and grooving along, not to mention making eye contact with everyone who passed. It was pretty cool to see a beggar getting so into it, unlike the more dormant types like the Mong Kok Tree Trunk Stumps Beggar or the Wanchai Parma Ham Leg Beggar. Keep it up, dude!

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A hairy wristband

I know it's rude to stare, but last night, I saw something that I just couldn't tear my eyes away from.

He was standing across me in the MTR, looking rather normal for a Hong Kong dude (glasses, short black hair, T-shirt and jeans, and holding an iPad). It was probably his iPad that drew my eyes toward his wrist, which is how I noticed that he was wearing some kind of hairy wristband.

'Pretty neat,' I thought to myself as my eyes zoomed in, wondering what kind of material it was made of. It was super thick, so maybe faux fur? But then, the sudden realisation hit me that that was no wristband -- that was a GIGANTIC rectangular MOLE wrapped around his wrist with a thick forest of hair growing out of it.

Feeling a mixture of shock, fear and awe (it was, after all, the biggest and hairiest mole I've ever seen), my eyes were locked onto that dark patch of densely grown hair until its owner stepped off the MTR. Where he's gone, I have no clue, but one thing's for sure -- I won't be forgetting the hairy wristband anytime soon.

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Your Yawn Face

Manners are a funny thing. To some, they seem instinctual. To others (especially in Hong Kong), they don't even exist. 

Take covering your mouth when you yawn as an example. Apparently, this manner was created in the medieval times in order to prevent the soul from escaping the body (no idea what happened if you opened your mouth to talk or eat).

Later, it became a practical thing. Back when people had horrible dental hygiene (read: none), it was a good way of shielding your friends and loved ones from your personal cloud of rotten breath.

These days, those original reasons may no longer apply, but I can still think of one very good reason to cover your mouth when you yawn.

This is how you look normally:

This is how you look when you yawn:

Now imagine turning a corner and seeing the yawning version of yourself for just a split second, and that's all you'll ever see. Great first impression, no?

Besides scaring the shit out of someone (who thinks you're about to attack), you also resemble a cross between a screaming baboon, shrieking zombie and wild banshee, not to mention that everyone can see right into the depths of your mouth (and anything you left there from lunch).

So, think twice before you go around with your yawn face, ladies and gentlemen, unless that's how you want to be recognized.

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Get well soon, fruit man

I used to buy my fruit cups from Fong Jie (Sister Fong) on Pottinger Street, right next to Shake 'Em Buns, until one day, they closed down abruptly and just disappeared. There was no sign to explain where they'd gone, and nothing to tell us whether they'd moved or just gone out of business. They'd always been pretty busy, so it didn't make sense why they would move or shut down.

Anyway, I was passing by two days ago right as another man was putting the finishing touches on the replacement shop in the same spot, so I stopped to ask him what happened to Fong Jie. 

"Don't you know? She moved back to Tseung Kwan O," he said while sticking up a Japanese promotional banner on his fridge. "Her husband is sick, so she went to take care of him. She asked me to take over this spot. I'm usually over at the Bonham Strand location, you know, where all the other fruit stands are."

"Ohh..." I replied, wondering what happened to her husband. Was he that tired-looking guy who used to man the fruit stall in the mornings (you know, with the greasy glasses, half-closed eyelids, flared nostrils and giant beer belly)? 

If so, I really hope he's okay. I never really got to know him, since our interactions were mostly limited to two line dialogues (Me: Fruit cup, please. Him: 12 dollars.) but there WAS this one time when we did say a bit more to each other.

It was right after a Caucasian lady had cussed him out for not accepting her 10, 20 and 50 cent coins, and I mean seriously had a fit, screaming and all, even though he had a sign on the window that said he didn't accept small coins.

After the bitch stormed off with her fruit, I was next and asked for a fruit cup, and he was obviously quite shaken and upset as he chopped up some fruit. I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say, but all of a sudden, possibly because I was the only person there he could vent to, he blurted out, "How am I supposed to accept those coins!? You tell me, who's going to take those from me after? Huh?! I'm not being unreasonable!"

I nodded in agreement and listened intently while he continued, making sure that I did not accidentally give him any small change. After his little rant, which seemed to leave him panting in exasperation, he handed over my fruit cup, I gave him my money and then continued onto work. I can only hope that in that moment, he felt somewhat relieved to know that someone else was on his side.

Anyway, I'm not sure if he's Fong Jie's husband or not (since I never dared to ask), but if he is, and he's sick, I hope he gets well soon! 

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Banana and peanut lady in Central

I wanted to blog about this old lady in Central over a YEAR ago when I first started working in that area, and thankfully, she is still around for me to blog about today. No offense to her at all but she is probably near 100 years old if not older, and I really hope that she has a lot more years to live!

Located on the corner of Gage Street and Lyndhurst Terrace, the Banana and Peanut Lady is a withering old Chinese woman with sunken-in cheeks and a thin black ponytail. She sells bananas and peanuts next to the fruit stand across 7-11 and is usually there for most of the day. I don't know why she's still working as she's so fragile and petite, but my guess is that she's been there all her life and likes it(?) or has to do it to sustain herself (in which case we should all give her a little extra for her bananas and peanuts).

She's usually wearing a traditional two-piece Chinese outfit in all black, and now that the weather's cooler she has an extra coat on. I also noticed that her thumbnails are super long, as opposed to her pinky fingernails. Maybe I'll work up the courage to ask her what she's doing there the next time I pass by... (I know, I'm shy)!

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Say NO to Butt Munching Pants

I'm no fashionista, but I think I have a pretty good sense of what looks bad on me, and therefore, on other people. And what usually looks bad horrific are BUTT MUNCHING PANTS.

I encountered an extremely active butt munching pant the other day as I was walking behind this woman in the MTR, and I just couldn't stop myself from staring at her butt. Granted, I'm usually staring at people's butts (hey, it started in high school) not out of perviness but just because it's the most interesting and dynamic part of a person's backside (it's big, it moves, it usually has a face, etc.), wouldn't you agree?

So this particular woman's butt was wearing a pair of what were once baggy, bright blue short shorts -- culottes, really, but I doubt anyone really uses that word anymore -- and the butt had eaten up most of the excess fabric, chewing it rigorously with each step the woman took. It was really as if it had its own face, mind and identity, and as I stared at it, it stared back at me, munching quicker and quicker whilst jiggling its cheeks.

When I finally snapped out of my trance and managed to look away, I promised myself to never, ever wear butt munching pants. EVER! And so should you.

FYI: Butt munching pants occur when someone's pants are so far up their ass that it appears that their butt is actually munching on them. Things that can cause this to happen include tight ass pants, extremely thin, silky pants, or sometimes just a big ass booty that hasn't been fed in a while! (from UrbanDictionary.com) 

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Crankie cabbie

Today, I managed to piss off a Hong Kong cabbie quite royally, and it all started when I got into his cab at Hollywood Road and told him to drive me to 'Central Plaza'.

"Cen-tral Pla-zaa," I said to him in my best Honger accent.

He stared at me through the rear-view mirror with an annoyed expression in his eye and eyebrow (that's all I could see of him).

"Um... Zhong-Wan Pla-zaa?" I tried again.

"What are you saying?" he said in Cantonese, obviously annoyed.

"You know, Zhong-Wan Dai-Ha in Wanchai?" (where 'dai-ha' meant 'building', or so I thought)

"You mean Zhong-Wan Gong-Cheung!" he gruffed back. "Pla-zaa! Get your buildings straight, you don't know what you're talking about!"

"Uhh...I'm not from around here," I said. "What's 'dai-ha' then?"

"Dai-ha is HOUSE, gong-cheung is PLAZA!" he nearly shouted at me.

"Okay, okay, now I know," I muttered back, thinking 'Same-diff, yeesh!'.

Five minutes later, as I ruffled through my bag, I came to a sudden heart-dropping realization that I had forgotten my wallet at the office, and was therefore riding in his cab without a single cent of money (OH SH!T.) Annnnd, of course, my phone was at 5% battery and ready to die.

I decided to play it cool and not let the cabbie know, while in my head I started wondering what I could give him in exchange for the ride over (nothing sexual -___-). Inside my bag was a nasty old orange umbrella, an eel-skin business cardholder, and a red and white Canada lanyard I'd bought in a dollar store back home (so, basically nothing). 

I couldn't even ask him to go to an ATM since I didn't have my debit or Octopus card on me. In the end, I made a desperate call to the people organizing the event at Cen-tral Pla-zaa and managed to explain my situation, and they agreed to come down to the taxi stand and pay my cab fare (phew).

Of course, when I finally told the cabbie the news as he was pulling up to Cen-tral Pla-zaa, he was anything but happy.

"What?! You know I can't stop here," he complained. "Once someone comes I'm going to have to move!" 

"I know, sorry," I said, and then sat silently waiting for my rescue. 

He continued, "What is this, some kind of joke? I've never had this happen to me before, geezus..." 

We sat in silence again as the meter beeped every few minutes.

"Oh great, now there's someone behind me. See, now I have to move my car!" he whined.

A few minutes later, he added, "I can't believe this is happening. I'm about to get off work and you pull this kind of shit on me--" and that was when I had just about enough.

"What, you think I wanted this?!" I yelled at him. "You think I forgot my wallet on purpose!?"

That shut him up for a few awkward minutes before he got heckled again by the building staff to clear the area. As they bantered back and forth about whether anyone was coming at all, the receiver of my collect-cab finally arrived, paid my cab fare and released me from my cabbie hostage situation. 

FREEDOM NEVER FELT SO GOOD!! 

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Things that make me cringe

Even though I've lived in Hong Kong for the last three years, there are still so many things that make me cringe, curse or want to punch someone out. You'd think that I'd have gotten used to it by now, but nope. Here they are in no particular order:

• Gross, yellow, plaque-stained teeth that could so easily be prevented by daily brushing
• Chewing and talking with clumps of food sloshing around inside of your mouth for everyone to see (please stop)
• Talk of funky dancing and whether "it really works" (first of all, stay away from funky dancing aka. aerobics on crack and secondly, stop obsessing about losing weight!)
• People talking on the phone next to you in the MTR that have such bad breath you literally want to tell them about it
• People not yielding at all when you're walking past them so you end up sliding and rubbing your bodies up against each other (especially when it's a fat dude!)
• Whenever someone proudly says, "My husband works in China from Monday to Friday so we only see each other on weekends."
• The sight of the short troll woman in my building with a square-shaped head, pimply skin and the an idiotic smile on her face all the time (super yeung seui!)

Funny enough all of the above happened today in the vicinity of just a few hours... *CRINGEx100*!!

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how to dance funky

When I first moved to Hong Kong, I was eager to find a place to continue my dance lessons, which I had taken regularly in NL with the one and only, amazing Eszteca! Unfortunately, I quickly found out that Hong Kong had taken dance lessons and packaged them as yet another weight-loss fad, just like they had done with yoga (grrrr!).

Take a look at the Hong Kong Funky Dance Centre, founded by a lady who proudly advertises that she lost 25 lbs of baby weight in 8 weeks by simply bustin' a (funky) move.  The centre strongly emphasizes the fat-burning power of funky dance, using extreme success stories complete with graphic imagery here and here (nice pose, eh?).

You might be wondering, what is 'Funky Dance' anyway? I'd never heard of it before coming to HK, as it certainly wasn't a type of dance that Eszteca taught... In my mind, the term made me think of a bunch of nerds doing the Funky Chicken dance... but thanks to YouTube, I now know that funky dance is done by gay men (and women who want to dance like gay men) dressed in bright, neon colours who bounce around doing group aerobics with giddy smiles plastered on their faces, thinking that they're actually dancing.

Exhibit 1:



Uh...yea. That is definitely not my style. (To see what real dancing looks like, watch THIS - 2:30~3:45 is absolutely dope!!)

Anyway, during my search, I also came across Dancing Fit, another one of these dance-for-weight-loss centres. Here's a look at some of their class names and descriptions (thank you Google Translate):

Hip Hop with YIP  (-Pio and Yippy Yay)
The use of heavy beats of Hip Hop music, out of street style. Focused abdominal movements (ABS), focus on abdominal and thigh fat burning, increase exercise capability, and wishing to tighten the abdominal line, the effect is particularly noticeable. YO YO YO, Let's Come!

Latino Jam with TAKKO (and his sidekicks Nacho & Burrito)
Mainly through a variety of Latin dance steps, in a warm and relaxed rhythm of Latin music, freely swinging the body, strengthen the confidence and training of memory.

Slim Punking with MING (cuz punks can't be fat)
It is vibrant and a dynamic rhythm-based dancing, focuses on the waist and hand movements, Kawaii style, it is time to say "bye bye meat"!!!!

House Sweating with SOYA (purse egg is optional)
Interesting, lively and light, the use of disco beat dance music, with foot-based action, may tighten the buttocks and leg lines, the high amount of exercise to help quickly sweat, heart and lung function. You will find that he had never been so light.

Boy, do I miss taking real dance classes... *sigh*

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Wanchai Parma Ham Leg Beggar

This beggar has got to be one of the most graphic, gruesome and gag-inducing guys in Hong Kong. Usually seen on the bridge going towards the Immigration Tower from the Wanchai MTR Exit A5, I had almost forgot about him since I hadn't seen him in a long time. However, one look was all it took to get his image emblazened into my head again.

You see, the Wanchai Parma Ham Leg Beggar is aptly named because he has a huge, rectangular raw flesh wound on one of his legs, which he displays proudly by extending it into rush hour human traffic. One just can't help but stare at how deep, red, wet and fleshy it looks (not to mention painful)! Apparently, he (or his pimp) makes a new cut every morning so that the wound is fresh and bloody. Today, the wound is around 1-1.5 inches deep and sometimes, it even looks like he's been cut to the bone.

At times, the Wanchai Parma Ham Leg Beggar can be seen with a piece of old cloth hanging near him on a makeshift clothesline, which has been stained multiple times by his bleeding wound.

To be honest, with the wide range of beggars in Hong Kong, it's really a shame that this guy has to endure so much physical pain just for a few bucks. I mean, I don't think he makes any more money  than the old lady down the street who's only kneeling down and pretending to be homeless. If I were him, I'd stop the painful cutting, but of course, it's probably not his decision to make.

Anyway, do pay our latest beggar a visit and see whether you still have your HK-sized appetite afterwards. I, for one, have lost all my cravings for parma ham...

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Picking your battles

A couple days ago, an innocent HK lady was attacked on the MTR by a psychotic Mainland woman. After making eye contact, the Mainland woman thought she heard the HK lady cursing her, so she walked up to her, took out her knife (which she normally used for self defense, she said) and started slashing. Even after the knife broke in two, she picked up the blade with her bare hands to continue her attack!

But enough with my boring commentary. Watch this action-packed video (courtesy of Apple Daily) to see how it all went down! This has gotta be one of my favourite things about Hong Kong: serious events (usually gory and violent) turned comical thanks to silly comic strips and in-house animations. I mean, imagine the delight of the team who had to make these visuals overnight!

"OK, who wants to draw the crazy lady?"
"Me me me me meee!"
"Who wants to do the voiceover of the girl getting attacked?"
"Ooo, me me me! I've got an amazing shriek!"

The soundtrack to the video is just awesome and I love all the irrelevant details. I mean, maybe I'm missing something but why did they mention that the guy who picked up the knife in the end had just bought a cake (is it an attempt at irony, or simply an ad for Maxim's!?)?

Anyway, this incident has made me rethink all the battles I usually pick in the MTR. From staring competitions to the ol' push and shove (and occasional kick), I wonder if it's just best to put on your coldest stone face and act like no one around you really exists. Hmm...sound familiar? So if you're still wondering why HK people never make eye contact, you now have your answer!

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Holy moley

It's gotta be one of the most commonly asked questions in Hong Kong: "Why do Chinese people have such huge (and hairy) moles?" Is it the pollution? Or what they eat? Are we all destined to suddenly grow a big-ass intrusive mole (or 10) somewhere on our bodies? Why don't people get them removed, or at least trim those long and wiry hairs off?

Have no fear, Miss Fong is here to answer all your questions about Chinese peoples' big, black and hairy moles.

When I was young, my Grandma used to tell me I had moles because flies were taking dumps on my face. If only I would wash my face, I wouldn't be so speckled, she'd say. Another one of her theories was that I was eating too much chocolate, which was turning me into a black person one dot at a time. Although it was a cool idea, the closest it got me to being black was giving me a big ol' booty.

In Hong Kong, I'm reminded every week by my facial beauticians that my once charming beauty marks are now absolutely hideous, and that I've got to get rid of them ASAP (for the 'affordable' price of HK$200 per mole!). Counting them aloud in an ewwwy voice, they tell me how big and ugly they're going to get, threatening me with scary phrases such as '3rd eye' and 'clumpy lumps'. 'What a waste it would be for someone as pretty as you to become so ugly', they'd say.  

I've used a variety of comebacks on them but my personal all-time favourite is "I don't care about being beautiful anyway!" which caused all of them to widen their eyes into a 'Are you out of your mind!?!' expression. It's really no use to argue with them, but now I have another reason to turn down their aggressive mole-removal sales pitches:  MOLEOSOPHY (the study of moles)!! 

You see, in Chinese culture, every mole has a meaning. Moles can be lucky or unlucky depending on where they are located, what colour they are, and how large they appear in proportion to our body. Some even say that the moles on our bodies are in reality secret imprints carried over from our previous lives...perhaps a way for a lover from your past life to find you again!

As superstitious as they are, the Chinese have developed a detailed map of moles for your body and face, so you can look up exactly what your moles (or your lover's) mean. In general:

• Moles on your back represent some kind of burden (cut 'em!), where as moles on your front attract success and good luck (keep 'em!)
• A shiny, smooth and bright-looking mole is considered a good mole
• A mole with hair indicates the mole is alive, which is also a sign of good mole. Males should keep the hair, while a female can trim it.
• A mole on the right breast indicates laziness, whereas a mole on the left breast belongs to active and energetic people who generally get what they want in life.
• People who have a mole on their buttocks are un-ambitious and content with any mode of living (read: bum).
• Moles on genitals lead to sexual addiction (good or bad, you decide).

So, according to the facial mole map, I tend to have problems related to diet or food and need to prevent unwanted sexual advances. Hmm...interesting...~_^

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