Holy moley

It's gotta be one of the most commonly asked questions in Hong Kong: "Why do Chinese people have such huge (and hairy) moles?" Is it the pollution? Or what they eat? Are we all destined to suddenly grow a big-ass intrusive mole (or 10) somewhere on our bodies? Why don't people get them removed, or at least trim those long and wiry hairs off?

Have no fear, Miss Fong is here to answer all your questions about Chinese peoples' big, black and hairy moles.

When I was young, my Grandma used to tell me I had moles because flies were taking dumps on my face. If only I would wash my face, I wouldn't be so speckled, she'd say. Another one of her theories was that I was eating too much chocolate, which was turning me into a black person one dot at a time. Although it was a cool idea, the closest it got me to being black was giving me a big ol' booty.

In Hong Kong, I'm reminded every week by my facial beauticians that my once charming beauty marks are now absolutely hideous, and that I've got to get rid of them ASAP (for the 'affordable' price of HK$200 per mole!). Counting them aloud in an ewwwy voice, they tell me how big and ugly they're going to get, threatening me with scary phrases such as '3rd eye' and 'clumpy lumps'. 'What a waste it would be for someone as pretty as you to become so ugly', they'd say.  

I've used a variety of comebacks on them but my personal all-time favourite is "I don't care about being beautiful anyway!" which caused all of them to widen their eyes into a 'Are you out of your mind!?!' expression. It's really no use to argue with them, but now I have another reason to turn down their aggressive mole-removal sales pitches:  MOLEOSOPHY (the study of moles)!! 

You see, in Chinese culture, every mole has a meaning. Moles can be lucky or unlucky depending on where they are located, what colour they are, and how large they appear in proportion to our body. Some even say that the moles on our bodies are in reality secret imprints carried over from our previous lives...perhaps a way for a lover from your past life to find you again!

As superstitious as they are, the Chinese have developed a detailed map of moles for your body and face, so you can look up exactly what your moles (or your lover's) mean. In general:

• Moles on your back represent some kind of burden (cut 'em!), where as moles on your front attract success and good luck (keep 'em!)
• A shiny, smooth and bright-looking mole is considered a good mole
• A mole with hair indicates the mole is alive, which is also a sign of good mole. Males should keep the hair, while a female can trim it.
• A mole on the right breast indicates laziness, whereas a mole on the left breast belongs to active and energetic people who generally get what they want in life.
• People who have a mole on their buttocks are un-ambitious and content with any mode of living (read: bum).
• Moles on genitals lead to sexual addiction (good or bad, you decide).

So, according to the facial mole map, I tend to have problems related to diet or food and need to prevent unwanted sexual advances. Hmm...interesting...~_^