Banana and peanut lady in Central

I wanted to blog about this old lady in Central over a YEAR ago when I first started working in that area, and thankfully, she is still around for me to blog about today. No offense to her at all but she is probably near 100 years old if not older, and I really hope that she has a lot more years to live! Located on the corner of Gage Street and Lyndhurst Terrace, the Banana and Peanut Lady is a withering old Chinese woman with sunken-in cheeks and a thin black ponytail. She sells bananas and peanuts...

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Cockroach CSI: Death by Tobacco

No matter what time of year it is in Hong Kong, you're likely to see one of the city's most infamous tenants crawling around: the cockroach. In the summer, they are out in full force, scurrying along sidewalks, climbing up the walls, and sometimes (if you're unlucky) flying right into your line of sight. Now that it's winter though, cockroach sightings are much more rare, but that doesn't mean they're gone. In fact, most of the times I see cockroaches these days is when they're dead. Squished,...

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Have fingers, will make FIMO

Dance when you still have legs, eat crab whilst you still have teeth ... make FIMO while you still have fingers! Yes, these are the types of thoughts that swirl around in my head at 2am in the morning, especially when my palm continues to throb after today's traumatic experience at work. You see, after one year on the job, I've learned to be quite careful when it comes to opening press releases in the mail. Since I don't have a letter opener, I usually rip the envelope open with my thumb, take...

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The funniest Donnie Yen video ever

In honour of my latest sighting of Donnie Yen last Friday in Central (wearing a puffy neon orange jacket and gold rimmed sunglasses), I just had to dig up this video of him on YouTube for anyone who's never seen our beloved "Ip Man" as a b-boy back in the '80s! I'd also just like to make clear that I am not at all sexually attracted to Donnie Yen (like my cousin and sister are...) The latter of whom has just made it my mission to track down Mr. Yen and serve him to her on a silver platter for her enjoyment... eww!!!!!!! Watch out Donnie -- if an older version of Miss Fong jumps you on the street, it wasn't m...

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Gentlemen, start your cameras...

Despite NOT being a speed freak, I found myself peeling my eyelids apart at 6am this morning to catch the puke-mobile over to Macau for the Grand Prix today, and I think I finally understand what all the fuss is about. Besides the actual races, drivers, crews, booze and the "it's-so-loud-I-can-feel-my-stomach-jiggling" roar off the tracks, let's face it -- it's all about the hoochie mamas! Check out this crowd of pervographers surrounding these leggy ladies: You can clearly see that some...

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Venture Studios in Hong Kong: Where a picture is (not) worth a thousand bucks

I recently saw Venture Studios on a Groupon Hong Kong deal and as a (fellow?) Groupon addict, I must warn anyone who's thinking of buying it to STOP RIGHT THERE! The deal is HK$999 for a 1-hour photography session and a 1-hour design consultation, plus your favourite image framed in an 8x10" size. Although this offer might sound pretty sweet, you can actually get the exact same deal for HK$500 on any regular day, plus a few more freebies (read: cash vouchers) thrown in whenever there's a special...

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Say NO to Butt Munching Pants

I'm no fashionista, but I think I have a pretty good sense of what looks bad on me, and therefore, on other people. And what usually looks bad horrific are BUTT MUNCHING PANTS. I encountered an extremely active butt munching pant the other day as I was walking behind this woman in the MTR, and I just couldn't stop myself from staring at her butt. Granted, I'm usually staring at people's butts (hey, it started in high school) not out of perviness but just because it's the most interesting and...

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Beggar on a buggy

The other day, I was walking along the bridge to Central Pier when I came across a Hong Kong beggar lying face down near the entrance to IFC on the Apple Store side. He seemed "normal" enough: missing both legs, dressed in dark clothing, with disheveled short black hair. As usual, no one took notice, and since I was in a rush to get to The Watermark, I sped walked my way past too. On my way back though about an hour later, I found myself walking behind a guy in a mini-buggy, which was essentially...

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No need for speed

Last week, I found myself sitting in a boxy race car simulator at Sideways in Hong Kong with a pair of big headphones over my ears and someone else's black socks on my feet. "Vroom-vroom" was all I could hear as I sped through the circuit, mixed in with the sound of tires screeching as I skidded around, followed by extremely jerky left-right-left-right swerving of the wheel each time I tried to get back on track. When the screen finally told me I could stop, or more accurately, that I had lost,...

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Crankie cabbie

Today, I managed to piss off a Hong Kong cabbie quite royally, and it all started when I got into his cab at Hollywood Road and told him to drive me to 'Central Plaza'. "Cen-tral Pla-zaa," I said to him in my best Honger accent. He stared at me through the rear-view mirror with an annoyed expression in his eye and eyebrow (that's all I could see of him). "Um... Zhong-Wan Pla-zaa?" I tried again. "What are you saying?" he said in Cantonese, obviously annoyed. "You know, Zhong-Wan Dai-Ha in Wanchai?" (where 'dai-ha' meant 'building', or so I thought) "You mean Zhong-Wan Gong-Cheung!" he gruffed back. "Pla-zaa! Get your buildings...

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Things that make me cringe

Even though I've lived in Hong Kong for the last three years, there are still so many things that make me cringe, curse or want to punch someone out. You'd think that I'd have gotten used to it by now, but nope. Here they are in no particular order: Gross, yellow, plaque-stained teeth that could so easily be prevented by daily brushing Chewing and talking with clumps of food sloshing around inside of your mouth for everyone to see (please stop) Talk of funky dancing and whether "it really works" (first of all, stay away from funky dancing aka. aerobics on crack and secondly, stop obsessing about losing weight!) People talking on the phone...

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Me 1 - Gnats 50

This weekend, I scored my first ever goal for my soccer team (yay!)... OK so it was just a friendly game against a bunch of Hong Kong men in their 50s, but it was still a pretty awesome goal. How it went down was -- I happened to be in front of the goal when a shot was fired by my teammate Carrie from the right side, which hit the top goal post and came bouncing towards me. Out of reflex (or skill, but highly unlikely), I bounced the ball off my chest and then kicked it over the goalie’s right...

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A crotch cabaret at BISOUS

I can't say I've ever seen a burlesque show before, but I definitely had something else in mind than last night's performance(s) at BISOUS.  Let's first clarify that I wasn't there to see the BISOUS girls at all, but a man called Russell Simmons, aka. the 'godfather of hip hop' and founder of Def Jam, who happened to be in town for Diamonds In The Sky, Hong Kong. The event started out pretty cool with DJ Bravo spinning old skool hip hop tracks with videos projected onto the big...

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Canadian vs. Hong Kong beggars

During my trip home recently, I was heckled by a few Canadian beggars and I couldn't help but notice the differences between them and the ones here in Hong Kong. While Hong Kong beggars get loads of pity points for missing limbs, charred skin or self-mutilation tactics, I hardly ever see anyone stopping to give them money, let alone a second glance.  On the other hand, Canadian beggars seem to be quite good at getting us to notice them and emptying our pockets. Wondering why this was...

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Meeting Donnie Yen

It's been a while now, but when I heard that Donnie Yen was going to be making a special appearance at IFC for a fashion event, I couldn't help it -- I was excited. There was no real reason to be, really. The guy is awesome no doubt, but was there any reason for me to have to see him in person? It's not like I wanted to challenge him to a fight, seduce him (yuck!) or even have a conversation with him. I just wanted to ... see him! My fascination with Donnie Ip Man (like most people) started...

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Central Bulging Eye Flute Playing Beggar

Our latest beggar is talented in more ways than one. Located in Central on Queen's Road near exit D1 or D2, you can usually hear him from a block away since he plays traditional Chinese tunes on an old wooden flute. As if that wasn't difficult enough, he tends to be squatting the whole time, so I have no idea how his blood flows back up to his brain at all. Or maybe it doesn't flow all that well, since one of his eyes is significantly bigger than the other and bulges out to the side. I've...

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Tips for secretaries: When to order water

I always thought being a secretary was pretty damn easy. All you have to do is answer the phone, order birthday cakes occasionally and watch YouTube (or YouKu) for the rest of the day. I guess our secretary's got it extra hard though because she also has to make sure we have enough drinking water in the office, which isn't always the case. In fact, there's already been two incidents when the water's ran out, and wouldn't be delivered for another few days. Every time this happens, I'm quite...

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I'm a coral mutant

So, I've spoken to a few other divers about my "ocean revelation" and I seem to be the only one who's become this affected by all the fish and underwater creatures I saw. While everyone raves about how awesome diving is, not too many emerge from the water with a new life mission: to save the ocean...and the world!! (OK, one thing at a time.) I'm not exactly sure why I'm this moved either, since I was the one going, "What's wrong with the ocean?" just a few weeks ago. It was only when my knees started...

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Turtle Love and How to Save the Ocean

It's true... I have seen the light TURTLE! :D Make that turtleS to be exact, as there was definitely no shortage of them during my diving adventures in Malaysia. Other than the majestic whale shark, seeing a turtle was on the top of my wishlist for the trip, and that was already fulfilled on the first day of my trip while snorkeling just a metre or two off the shore of my resort (and s/he was the biggest one yet at 1.5m wide)!! From that point, it could only get better, and boy did it...

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Scuba-doobi-doo

The first time I tried diving, I nearly choked. Okay, so I was only in a shallow swimming pool and it was from the sight of a dead fruit fly, but to be fair, it was magnified at least 10x underwater, as was the rest of my body (and to be honest, I don't know what was scarier). Since then, I never really thought of taking it up again, but for whatever reason, I'm booked to do my PADI OW course this weekend in a remote island called Pom Pom in Sabah, Malaysia. Forget fruit flies, bring on the giant...

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A Giant Foot Massage

If you work in Central, you've probably come across the Giant Foot Man at some point. A life-sized foot mascot, he can usually be seen at the corner of Lyndhurst Terrace and Gage Street outside of Pizza Express handing out flyers for the foot massage place called 'Refresh', which is located just down the street. You can't deny it's a great marketing tactic, and if being encased in a giant foot costume in 30+ degrees and 95% humidity wasn't torturous and/or humiliating enough, their latest gimmick...

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Our new secretary

We recently got a new secretary at work, and all-in-all she seems to be a nice girl. I don't know much about her, but what I do know is that I always seem to get caught in her Dutch oven (or should that be Canto-Oven?)… Although there are no bedsheets involved, the concept is the same. Every time I get up to go to the loo, she's JUST made her exit from the one and only tiny claustrophobic toilet on our floor, where odors get steamed and ripened by the humidity and linger around for much longer than they should. From the noxious smell and race car tracks at the bottom of the toilet, I can tell she has some pretty severe digestive tract issues…TMI,...

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I'm a cavity; come and get me

There are some things you're just supposed to know, like: never touch a hot stove, date a guy who lives at home and wear high heels to go hiking. Another thing to add to this list, which I'm guessing most other people know already, is: never move into an apartment that's under construction. I have no idea why this never occurred to me before, but as I sit here in my godforsaken apartment listening to the sound of 3-4 industrial drills hammering away at all four walls around me, I finally understand...

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Why I Love Queen's Day

It's been 2.5 years (whoa!) since I moved from Amsterdam to Hong Kong, but I've managed to go back 3x already, twice during Queen's Day if we count this current trip. What can I say, I miss the Netherlands big time and will jump at any opportunity to revisit my second home, ESPECIALLY when it coincides with what is arguably one of the world's biggest and best parties - QUEEN'S DAY, aka Koninginnedag (forget Will & Kate)! For those unfamiliar with Queen's Day, it's basically the Dutch's national...

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Blogstipation

Wow...so this is what happens when you don’t blog for a long time. You get a million ideas piled up in your wrinkly brain, only to have them hardened into a rock hard turd that’s near impossible to squeeze out when you finally have time to sit down. I guess that’s the ‘shitty’ part about being a full-time writer. During the day, we write so much that it becomes a chore to write even more at night (especially when most nights are used for writing whatever we couldn’t finish during the day), so...

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A face only a mother could love

Sometimes, you come across people so beautiful you can't help yourself from staring. Other times, you come across people so ugly...you just wanna punch them out. WHAT? Yea, I said it. Some people are so ugly, they just trigger the whack-a-mole reaction in me, whereby I gasp in horror every time they pop up and all I wanna do is clobber it back into its sad little hole with my giant stuffed hammer. I believe there's a term for this in Cantonese called 'yeung seui', which literally means 'ugly in...

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Tazed and confused

So…the votes are in and it seems that most people actually dig armpit hair…! However, I decided to go through with my laser hair removal appointment anyway and boy do I have a story to tell… First of all, let me explain the reason why I even signed up for laser hair removal in the first place. The thought of doing it had never really occurred to me until an email landed in my inbox from the increasingly random group buying giant Groupon, this time advertising for 'permanent hair removal at...

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Ghostly Guards

"Hi Elaine, can you please get someone to remove the 'ghost' that is in the pot outside of our apartment door before we move in?" A few minutes later, my housing agent replied: "In Chinese, the ghost must remove by the landlord. I discuss call you later." Who (or what) is this ghost, you ask? To be honest, I haven't really got a clue either. I only noticed the little red pot of soil outside of my new front door last weekend when a few of my friends pointed it out, saying that I shouldn't touch...

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Central Handless Burnt Eyes Beggar

After another long day at work, I came across another beggar on my to the Central MTR. Seated on the right side of Theatre Lane near exit D2 of Central, the Central Handless Burnt Eyes Beggar has severe burn marks on his head, especially around his eye sockets. He looks up at passerbys with a forlorn expression on his face, and shows off his (missing) hands which have apparently been cut off. His head is also quite bare from having been burnt, and as I recall, he's only got a tuft of hair on...

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How to Win at Mah Jong

Like most Chinese kids, I learned to play mah jong at a young age, mostly from watching my grandma play on the weekends with her floral sweater clad gang of senior sistas from around the block. But even with this 'intense' training, my mah jong skills never really progressed over the years, since I usually played with fellow 'fake Chinese' or non-Chinese friends (which automatically made me the expert, oh yeaah). In Hong Kong, I've definitely had to up my game when playing against locals or anyone...

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Do we need armpit hair?

Lately, I listed a few things online on various buy/sell websites in HK trying to get rid of some junk in my apartment. Most of the items are gadget-related, like an electronic ENG/CHI dictionary, compact prosumer camera, iPhone4 case and a bluetooth headset (*hint hint* contact me if interested ;). I thought, since I never (and I mean never) use them, why not sell them to someone who might make better use of them, right? The problem is, once people start calling me and making offers for my items,...

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So-So Social

In the spirit of Social Media Week HK, I thought it's about time I 'socialized' my blog as well, or risk becoming a dinosaur in the digital world. Not that it'd be a bad thing, since dinosaurs rock, but you know, anything that simplifies the sharing process for people is probably a good idea. So...what's new, you ask? Well, there's now a nifty Facebook Like Box integrated onto the right hand side of the page, as well as a lil tab on the left side that makes it easy to 'Like' or 'Tweet' the page...

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MISSING!! Favourite concierges gone by...

It's that time of year again - Chinese New Year - and you know what that means… It's time to put on that tacky Chinese outfit you would never be seen in public with every other day of the year, time to drop our jaws for 20 minutes straight going 'wahhhh' for the same ol' fireworks in Victoria Harbour and of course, time to shirk around all those building reception and security guards that we don't really know or like enough to give them a red pocket (lai see). I know it's proper etiquette to...

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